Did you know that humans, orcas, and short-finned pilot whales are the only animals that experience menopause? All the other poor animals have to give birth until their dying year. Nature cruelly presses the expire button when they are no longer productive. Nature cruelly lets the three of us go through menopause without an instruction manual.
I just learned the above fact two weeks ago even though I’m in the thick of perimenopause. I’ve also learned recently that there is very little cohesive, experiential information out there about menopause. Google it and you get a litany of symptoms and what one mightexpect. The list is long, y’all. It looks like the possible side effects in a pharmaceutical drug commercial.
(Are the men still reading? I hope so. I mean if you have absolutely no women in your life, then by all means, don’t steal a look into what we go through if just to sharpen your empathy. If the men aren’t still reading, good: a meeting regarding the revolution is at my house at midnight, ladies.)
I just admitted I was premenopausal. Did you catch that? Saying it feels – ug – like receiving an admission ticket to elderliness. Like I’ll be carted into a corner where everything I now do will be met with a “Aw, good for her.” And “#grandmagoals.” Yet, I said it: I can’t have any more kids for y’all. I am now like the great old, lady orcas who help care for the next generations. This is what I’m talking about though: We hear so little about menopause that it feels like tricky, shameful territory to even talk about it. As a society, we’ve at least gotten better about saying our age. But I think that’s because we hunt down age-defying tactics so vigorously that we actually want to boast about our age just so people will respond: “Wow, you don’t look (fill in your age here).” It’s what I’m going for at least.
Lately I’ve been whispering about menopause to my friends. Those of us who have not gone through it completely are like, WTF is happening and why aren’t we talking about it more. And the ones who have gone through it are like, yea, it was a mysterious wild ride, and I’m not sure what to tell ya. My friends who are in the pre-stages are in their 40’s and 50’s. Those who have crossed over were anywhere between 42 and 57 when they did. My mother had a hysterectomy at 35 so I have zero clues from her. Some women have told me they never felt better after menopause. As you can see, I have nothing solid with which to build a road map.
Because of luck, generous genetic coding, and a healthy lifestyle, I’ve only gotten two symptoms that I can think of. Over a year ago, I experienced heart palpitations, which scared the living shit out of me. I gave up coffee immediately cold turkey and they went away. Then I found out that heart palpitations are just one of those fun possible symptoms of perimenopause. Drinking coffee certainly didn’t help, and I still don’t drink it.
The other symptom is a slight, extra layer of fat that has wrapped itself around my midsection despite eating healthily and exercising very regularly. About a year ago, I squeezed my belly with both hands and thought, “Whoever left this on me better come get it.” It’s like a neoprene waist trainer that does the opposite of a neoprene waist trainer. It’s like someone frosted just my midsection. And it’s not a smooth, pretty lil layer. No, the texture is odd; not quite cellulite, but more like a wind-swept sand dune. It’s not terrible. It’s more like when I notice it I think, “What the hell is on my stomach?”
Excited about this process yet? I don’t even have the other more common symptoms like hot flashes, which I hear are a joy. One of my friends told me she fights consistently with her husband over AC/blanket issues. He doesn’t understand her arctic insistence. And she believes SOMEBODY HAS TO BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR THE FREQUENT INTERNAL COMBUSTION.
Do I have any answers for you? Absolutely not. I just wanted to bring up the subject so it can feel less like some big, embarrassing secret even though it literally happens to every single woman. We don’t want your sympathy. But if you’re a little gentler with us when we ask you to crank up the gd AC, that’d be cool. And don’t ask us why we’re sweating so much. Maybe don’t make a big deal when we buy a bunch of one-piece bathing suits. They’re in style, ok? LEAVE MY SAND-DUNE MIDDRIFT ALONE.
And if the next time you see me and you look at me with some doe-eyed-aw-Diz-is-getting-old-glances – a look that feels like a farewell as I sail off in the twilight years — I will body slam you as hard as a grandma orca could still do.
Friday’s Workout
Practice
A) Back Squat
5 x 5
B) QAMRAP 16:
400m Run
10 Windmills (5R/5L)
2 Rope Climbs
Saturday’s Workout
Da Beach!
Partner things in the sand
Meet at Palisades Park (Ocean & Montana)
Sunday’s Workout
More Beach Tings!
Meet at Ocean & Montana
Monday’s Workout
Test Week – Cycle 20!
“Fourth Quarter”
A)
For Time (2-Minute Cap):
15 Burpee Jumps To Target*
20/15 Cal AB
Rest 5 Minutes
B)
For Time (2-Minute Cap):
20/15 Cal AB
15 Burpee Jumps To Target*
*9′, 8′, 7′ Targets
